Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

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Honeymoon Jitters.

Dear Kordite,
I have recently been asked to mate with an older Klingon warrior who lives in my sector. I have been told that even though I am a bit younger than he, and a human . . . that he still wishes for me to become his bride. I am not afraid to do so and I will gladly accept this Warrior's offer . . . but what can I expect on our Wedding Eve? I only wish to serve and please him well.
--- Soon to be a young bride

Dear soon to be bruised,

Well, first off, the honeymoon festivities may begin as soon as you are out of visual range of the wedding party so dress appropriately. That lacy bustier with garters and stockings that looked so sexy that you dropped an entire month's pay . . . forget it! He probably won't notice them as they are shredded in a matter of seconds.
If you feel compelled to use any sort of undergarments at all; think leather. No zippers, though. Testosterone poisoning drops the technical acumen of the typical Klingon to Stone Age levels. Velcro.
Drink heartily at the reception. Alcohol is an excellent muscle relaxant and you absolutely will not want to be tense. You're going to be sore enough come morning without pulled muscles as well. Be careful not to imbibe so much that you cannot offer a credible challenge for your mate.
To be sure to please your Klingon groom, viciously attack him at the earliest possible moment. A pair of sap gloves, with lead lined knuckles for increased impact, might even the odds a bit. They are usually made of leather so you could have them made long, like evening gloves, to make that fashion statement you've been looking for. Aim for the jaw.
Lastly, make sure that your insurance and HMO premiums are paid up and that emergency numbers; doctor, EMT, MediVac, are close by the phone.
You, my dear, are both figuratively and literally in for the ride of your life.
[signed Kordite]
[home] [table of contents] [previous article] [next article] -- Revised: 18 May 2002
Copyright © 1998, 2002 Kevin A. Geiselman