Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

I am a 14 year-old female and everyone at my high school teases me about not being Terran. If I try to use a betleH or metlh'etlh on them I'll get in serious trouble. What should I do?

I am shocked to hear that your first thought was to go for a blade. These Humans must really have you in a state for you to consider such a thing. To meet verbal taunting with live steel is grossly inappropriate, even were you attending a Klingon academy on the Homeworld. Teasing should be responded to with a quick boot to the head.

Unfortunately, even such non-lethal solutions aren't tolerated among Humans. And hurling insults upon them would be thoroughly unsatisfying as the uncultured barbarians would not understand the subtle nuances of Curse Warfare. It is no wonder you are sorely frustrated.

So, in dealing with Humans I again must resort to a solution that is both bold and devious. Subtle in its planning yet filled with effrontery in its execution.

Begin with a predictable routine. Bait it with feigned helplessness and juvenile courage. Soon, your enemies will be lining up to taunt and tease, all together. If only Klingons had the ability to have tears well up in their eyes it would be perfect.

Wait until the odds are even, about six to one against you, then set the hook. Shriek in fear and defeat and run from the scene. Your enemies will find great joy in this and the next day will find them with their allies, prepared for another round of "taunt the Klingon." By now the odds should be well in their favor.

Of course, this is where they learn the gravity of their mistake. This day should go as before, building to that frustrated shriek. But instead of fleeing, this time turn and unleash the fury of your young heart like the wrath of your namesake. By the time the teachers pull you from the battle, victory will be yours.

Sure, the teachers will shake their heads at the carnage and you will probably be suspended for a few days but, truth be told, the other kids did actually start it. The teachers will think ten or more kids taunting one to be inherently unfair and you will be forgiven for resorting to violence under these most dire of circumstances. Even more so if you are able to reserve your blood lust and endure a serious beating. They will consider you to have acted in "self-defense."

Humans respect those who are not quick to anger yet fear those with a mighty wrath. When your enemies finally leave the hospital and return to class, don't be surprised if they begin overtures of peace and if being seen with you becomes a trendy status symbol.

Do not hesitate to make them your servants.

http://www.tasigh.org/kordite/advice12.html -- Revised: 18 May 2002 Copyright © 1996, 2002 Kevin A. Geiselman