Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

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Instructions for Life.

I'm sure you've all received the same unsolicited e-mail message, forwarded from one well-intentioned individual to a whole list of others, and then to a score of others. If you're like me, you've just "broken the chain" of expenses and not forwarded this message to your friends so as not to clutter their mailbox with junk. It's probably easier to keep them as friends as a consequence. But, since you've come to me and this is occupying space on MY disk drive I will offer you some of my own "Instructions for Life."
  1. Ensure above all things that everyone gets what they've got coming to them.

  2. Memorize dirty limericks.

  3. Assume everyone's lying to you.

  4. When you say, "I hate you", punctuate it with a boot to the head.

  5. Being Klingon means never even thinking that you're sorry.

  6. Try to remember her name in the morning.

  7. Remember that there ARE people deserving of instant dislike.

  8. Never be afraid to laugh at fools.

  9. Mate like crazed weasels. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

  10. In disagreements, fight fairly. A knife in the chest lets you see their expression when they go down. A knife to the back lacks that personal touch.

  11. There is something in kuve bones and kuve blood that makes kuve.

  12. When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.

  13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and say "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

  14. Live large.

  15. Send smutty birthday cards to your in-laws.

  16. Borrow handkerchiefs to blow your nose.

  17. When you loose, accuse your opponent of cheating.

  18. Remember the three U's: Accuse, confuse and refuse.

  19. Open old wounds whenever possible.

  20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to cover it up and blame someone else.

  21. You are under no obligation to be polite to telemarketers.

  22. Find a mate that likes to perform oral sex.

  23. Scheme alone. Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.

  24. Apologize a lot but don't change.

  25. Remember that violence is sometimes the best answer.

  26. Read books and magazines while standing in the store aisle.

  27. Live by your own code of honor and the rest of the world can go to hell.

  28. Boobytrap your car.

  29. Your home is tranquil and harmonious only when the rest of your family is away.

  30. In disagreements with loved ones remember that they play dirty, too.

  31. Hear the hidden insults in everyone's statements.

  32. Give unsolicited advice.

  33. Leave the lights on.

  34. Dare every god you can think of to meet you outside to settle things once and for all.

  35. Don't let anyone interrupt you when you're gloating.

  36. It is your business.

  37. Don't trust a woman who wants the lights out during sex.

  38. Once a year, go somewhere you've never been and cause damage.

  39. Hire a devious accountant, it's like giving yourself a raise.

  40. Take what you want. You deserve it.

  41. Rules were made by the weak and are to be broken at every opportunity.

  42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your lover doesn't care how thoroughly they are being used by you.

  43. Judge your success by the struggle put up by your opponents. If they don't surrender immediately out of fear then you're obviously not trying hard enough.

  44. Remember "Manifest Destiny" and make it part of your character.

  45. Approach lust with reckless abandon

[signed Kordite]

[home] [table of contents] [previous article] [next article] -- Revised: 18 May 2002
Copyright © 1998, 2002 Kevin A. Geiselman