Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

I began my mating ritual with "Christine" seven months ago. Everything was proceeding as I had foreseen, until one day she informed me (a little too casually) that her previous mate was inquiring as to her availability. Naturally, I immediately seized my sharpest weapon of battle, and striding with valor to his place of occupation (the local mall), challenged him to a death-match in which I would smite him for acting so smitten. My cowardly foe did not meet me on the blood-smeared plain of battle, but instead ran for the aid of his superior, and began to whine for the local authorities. Sensing the opportunity to gain my vengeance another day, I made a valiant retreat to avoid the tight embrace of the straight-jacket (a suit made mine once too often). When I discussed the matter with my consort, she was not impressed by my tale of near-victory, but instead she hurled words such as "unrealistic" "in-need-of-hospitalization" and most often "nuts". I somehow feel that a new course of action may be in order. Any advice?

You, my comrade, have fallen into the same snare that has claimed so many warriors. It is the wiles of a woman. Specifically, a Human woman.

No one can deny the status and prestige of entering a party with a green Orion slave on your arm or a feisty Caitian on a leash. Smaller and less aggressive than their Klingon counterparts (and less expensive than an Orion), a warrior might be tempted to take on a Human female as a dalliance. They are available in a plethora of shapes, sizes and hues.

A Human female might seem a very attractive ornament but don't be fooled; beneath that seemingly innocent and soft exterior beats a heart of cold stone. As devious as any Romulan assassin, she will turn on you as soon as her need for you is gone. Whatever it was that Christine saw in you has been used up. And, being done with you, she planed to discard you like a dull knife and, in the process, be rid of her still amorous former lover as well. You would kill her previous lover (a looser working in the oh-so-upwardly mobile career of retail sales) in honorable combat and then you (a fool for having fallen for a Human in the first place) would be confined for violating local laws. She would then move on to her next conquest.

Lucky for you, her former lover was more of a cowardly dork than she suspected. My advice to you is to dump this Human and find a nice Klingon girl to settle down with. Christine would stab you in the back at the first opportunity but a Klingon woman would look you in the eyes to stab you in the chest. She might even call it foreplay.

http://www.tasigh.org/kordite/advice13.html -- Revised: 18 May 2002 Copyright © 1997, 2002 Kevin A. Geiselman