Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

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A note from my editor

Recently, my editor sent me a communication concerning mundane administrative issues. At the end, though, he actually asked for my advice on a problem he was having:

Dear Kordite
[deleted ramblings about all the work he has to do]
Having done all that, I can honestly say that I'm done with the damned thing ("Heart of Glory"#2). I'm also extremely exhausted and need the consort to recharge me. What can I do to persuade her to start throwing things when I read poetry?
--- The Editor

Dear Great and Powerful Overlord of the 'Zine

One must be extremely cautious when giving advice to one's editor. For example, were I to say that you should immediately *** *** ** **** ******** *** ** **** ***** and you didn't appreciate my suggestion, you might censor my column or perhaps, even worse, eliminate it altogether. (I was only kidding about the penguin. Really.)
Rather than navigating that minefield and compromising my high standards for the sake of continued employment I have decided to forgo my own suggestion and seek the advice of those around me.
A fellow crewmember who has wisely chosen to remain anonymous said, "His poetry probably sucks." Not entirely helpful but a possibility you may not have considered. Perhaps some remedial creative writing classes are in order.
My grandfather, Kral, on hearing your plight said "No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman." After that tidbit of wisdom he launched into his exploits during some minor border skirmish over some unimportant sector. Half an hour of intense scrutiny could not find any connection between his tale and my initial question. I nodded my head sympathetically and decided to ask someone else.
A convenient Romulan prisoner awaiting interrogation suggested a role reversal. "Let him throw things while she reads poetry." It is the sort of honorless attempt to undermine the very foundations of Klingon culture that one might expect from a scheming Romulan. On the other hand, perhaps your consort's poetry is better than yours.
When questions arise about what motivates the female of the species, I turn to the wise council and vast experience of my line-cousin M'Lara. It is her advice that has the greatest merit. She suggested that you play hard to get. "Stop growling at her," she said. "Open a door for her. She'll think you're loosing interest and try to kill you. Nothing can make the romantic sparks fly like an attempted murder."
Isn't true love wonderful?
[signed Kordite]

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Copyright © 1995, 2002 Kevin A. Geiselman