Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

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Exercising self control

Dear Kordite,
I have a very annoying problem, which afflicts many humans, regarding a socially acceptable custom called self control. Knowing that a warrior must maintain some level of conscious thought during battle, unless one is a berserker with a chainsaw, so that strategies may be formed, I need to know what to do in non-carnage situations. How do I deal with extremely fickle and annoying professors? Killing them may be detrimental to my grade, and threatening them would not be in the overall best interest of my academic career.
In regards to general contact with others of my species, how do I deal with. . . those of the lower rear anatomy? Specifically, one who has no respect for intelligent lifeforms, knowingly and for his own enjoyment mentally attacks any and all individuals, and is so disrespectful that he makes Romulans look honorable. It is difficult in a strict academic community to demonstrate the matter displacement theory; i.e. his head and a cement wall.
Please Kordite, what do I do?
--- Heavily Restrained

Dear Restrained,

What is it about school that makes so-called great warriors into simpering imbeciles? Then again, you did say that you were human and, as such, cannot be expected to behave as a true warrior would.
I suggest that you seek professional help. The Federation has many 'counselors' who will be able to address your aberrative aggressive tenancies and reprogram you into the more socially acceptable and passive behaviors. With help and time, these delusions of being a warrior will pass. Your visions of murdering professors and smashing students' heads against walls for the pettiest of slights will become merely bad memories of a former life and you will be welcomed back into human society, like a sheep into the fold.
If you decide not to heed my advice and act out your fantasies I will see to it that true Klingon warriors find their way to your home late some night and adjust your attitude.
Remember; self control is best implemented through fear of retribution.
[signed Kordite]
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Copyright © 1995, 2002 Kevin A. Geiselman