Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

I have this problem, and after reading your column, I've come to the conclusion that you are the only one to ask for advice.

A few days ago, some people moved into the quarters above mine. These people play very loud music, which, though I might like it under other circumstances, is rather unpleasant because of the effect it has had on my targ. Upon hearing this hideous banging noise above us, the beast became restless and began charging the furniture wildly, so I shot it.

I have since kidnapped their firstborn as a replacement for my beloved pet, but this has been less than satisfying as my targ was much more intelligent than the child. I could simply settle the matter of honor with the couple upstairs, but that would still leave me with no pet. I've met the couple, and the child is the smartest of the family. What should I do?

It is sad that you did not contact me earlier. I would have suggested setting your targ loose in their apartment to madly charge their furniture. This would have quickly changed their mind about their behavior, either through the 'spiritual enlightenment' of having a berserker targ loose in ones apartment or through the attrition of their stereo.

Unfortunately, that option has passed. In its stead I first suggest patience. Nothing is sweeter than to bide one's time for revenge.

Next, return their firstborn. Perhaps even apologize. Say that you were distraught over the death of your pet and acted rashly. I know this may seem distasteful or even dishonorable but it will put them off their guard.

Then, buy the largest pair of sub-woofer speakers you can find. Mount them on the ceiling so your upstairs neighbors will get the full effect. Begin playing a wide variety of Klingon opera compact disks, but not at the extreme volume you might expect. A normal volume will suffice. The key to this endeavor is broadcasting a sub-audio carrier wave through the woofers on the ceiling. Tests have shown low frequency sound causes illness among humans; headaches, dizziness, upset stomach, the so-called 'works.' After a week of this, they are sure to come to you and ask you to not play your opera CDs.

But wait, it gets better. Again, apologize for the musical choice but say that you are lamenting the loss of your beloved pet. Say, "You know, I was thinking. There was some music you were playing during that time just before my pet fell strangely ill. Do you think you could loan me that music so that I might remember happier days?" Soft hearted fools that humans are, they should give the music to you straight away. Resist the urge to obliterate the recordings immediately, they could easily purchase more. No, play the music on your own stereo, at a reasonable level, but add through the woofers on the ceiling a two-cycle bass harmonic. Tests have shown that such a sub-audio sound resonates with the human bladder causing them to loose control of this bodily function.

After a week or so, return the music to them, saying it brought only emotional pain. This should be the 'nail in the coffin.' Human nature will have them believing that their illness over the past week was being caused by guilt, that they were somehow responsible for the death of your pet (reinforced by the fact that it is the truth).

Get yourself a new targ. Your upstairs neighbors might even obtain one for you in an attempt to assuage their guilt. But if they ever show signs of playing unsavory music again, simply flick on the sub-woofers.

If only targs were as easy to train as humans.

http://www.tasigh.org/kordite/advice09.html -- Revised: 18 May 2002 Copyright © 1995, 2002 Kevin A. Geiselman