Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

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Making the best of an annoyance

Dear Kordite,
My problem is this really cute little pet that my girlfriend brought back from Planet Hollywood last month. It's round, furry, and buzzes at one when it is happy (or at any other time, as near as I can determine). It also has kids. . . lots of them. The kids have kids. . . lots of them. The grandkids have had kids. . . lots of them. The little buggers are eating me out of house and home! Help!
--- Troubled by Tribbles

Dear Troubled,

These disgusting little monsters are like a detestable furry plague of syrupy-sweet niceness upon the galaxy and, were I to have my way, their scourge would be obliterated from the face of existence with the severest of violent prejudice. Such is the extent of my loathing. In the meantime, here is a list of some suggestions for dealing with the hateful, purring creatures:
  1. Tribbles are just the right size for coin purses.
  2. Fuzzy dice to hang above the targeting screen of your battlecruiser.
  3. Tribble McNuggets. ("Tastes like chicken!")
  4. Really deep pile carpeting.
  5. Feed them Alka-Seltzer. ("Pop goes the Tribble.")
  6. Fur coats. ("Club 'em like harp seals, men!")
  7. Ferengi ear swabs.
  8. Tribble flambe, a delicious and visually entertaining dessert.
  9. Stir fry.
  10. Wrath (tm) brand Tribble Motels. ("They check in but they don't check out.")
To advance my genocidal campaign I intend to publish a book in the near future. I have yet to decide on a title, perhaps "1001 Uses for a Dead Tribble" or maybe "Tribble Ranching for Fun and Profit." Anyone caring to support the most worthy and honorable cause of Tribble eradication can send donations and recipes to me care of this publication.
[signed Kordite]
[home] [table of contents] [previous article] [next article] -- Revised: 15 May 2002
Copyright © 1995, 2002 Kevin A. Geiselman