Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

I have a real problem. Last month, A taxman tried to take my earnings from me. My protests that, since I was serving aboard a Klingon Bird-of-Prey that only happened to be in Earth orbit for the week, I was exempt from Earthling tax, were met with blank bureaucratic stupidity. In the spirit of fostering goodwill between our noble race and the filthy stinking rotten honorless scum, I did not immediately shove a shockprod into his nether regions. This was a decision I came to regret when I was detained by red tape (A more powerful restraining force than a Cardassian Electroshock field) for so long that my ship left orbit and I was marooned on the surface. After my repeated requests for the location of the nearest Klingon Embassy were sneered at with earthling slang ("F***ing loon thinks he's an alien.") I allowed my better nature to take hold and began ripping the taxman limb from limb with my bare hands. After this, my natural warrior's instincts so joyously awakened, I went on a killing spree through the local town during which I utilized, in no particular order, my disruptor on a "lightly fried" setting, the aforementioned Shockprod, my Klingon hunting knife, A chainsaw (A most satisfying weapon! I heartily recommend it to my brother warriors!), A flagpole, A length of heavy duty chain (Which I wrapped around the offender's necks and used to pull-start their heads), a pump-action shotgun and a small but effective tactical nuclear warhead.

My problem? Do you have any tips on removing bloodstains? My uniform is ruined!

Removing bloodstains from a warrior's leather is, indeed a difficult problem. Seltzer water is effective at removing many common stains, including blood, from delecate materials. Of course, if the stains are too extensive or have set too firmly, simply use the funds you saved in not paying the taxman to buy yourself a new uniform. Treat yourself. You're worth it.

http://www.tasigh.org/kordite/advice04.html -- Revised: 15 May 2002 Copyright © 1995, 2002 Kevin A. Geiselman