Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

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Dealing with inconsiderate roommates

Dear Kordite,

I am a college freshman who lives in the women's-only dorm. My roommate, let's call her Jenny, sneaks her boyfriend upstairs to spend the night on weekends. I'm afraid that if they get caught (they make a lot of noise), I could get in trouble, too. What can I do to alleviate the situation?

--- Worried in Walla-Walla

Dear Worried,

To deter your roommate from further weekend sleepovers, I suggest the subtle approach based on this well known fact: Humans, unlike the more highly evolved civilizations, are notoriously shy about their mating practices. Stay in on weekends. Sharpen your blades, practice your moq'bara moves, sing along to your newest Klingon opera CD. It should not be long before your roommate finds another place for her activities.

If, for some foolish reason, she persists and remains, take an unusual interest in her partner. I know, it may offend your Klingon values to even attempt such a distasteful bonding but I assure you, the puny Human male will in no way be prepared for the advances of a true warrior and will immediately take flight.

Lock the door behind them.