Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

With the holidays fast approaching I am finding myself, as one of the few Klingons visible at conventions in the area, continuously hounded by humans wanting to know how to say 'Merry Christmas' in the Klingon language. Klingons do not celebrate Christmas and, even if we did, it wouldn't be merry. However, these explanations do not satisfy them. And if I successfully avoid one, another takes his place. What can I do?

Of course the only proper course of action is to disembowel the inquisitive fool on the spot and, while his entrails spill onto the pavement, ask any spectators if there are any other questions. Sadly, the Terran constabulary tends to frown on this sort of thing and may ask you to leave the convention before you've had the chance to see Terry Farrell. I offer an alternative.

First, you want to smile in a friendly sort of way. Then, being careful to speak clearly and slowly so the Terran can understand, say "To wish a Klingon a Merry Christmas say DaH HIHoH." Help him to get the proper pronunciation and send him on his way with a hearty Qapla'! When he does finally muster his courage and proudly state to a warrior, DaH HIHoH, he may receive what he's asked for in the form of a knife in the belly, proving the truism that one is born each minute. If you are very lucky he will have gone to his friends to perpetuate his newfound 'wisdom' before actually speaking to another Klingon. If so, your amusement will be increased tenfold as his comrades meet similar fates. The gift that keeps on giving.

http://www.tasigh.org/kordite/advice02.html -- Revised: 15 May 2002 Copyright © 1994, 2002 Kevin A. Geiselman