Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advise Column

I am a 19-year old college student majoring in communications. "Jane" and I have been in the same sorority for two years, and we were best friends from the time we met at freshman orientation. Last week I found Jane in bed with my fiance "John." I have been deeply hurt and don't know what to do. I can't break my engagement with John or he'll take his credit card back. And I just couldn't stand to look at Jane at the mixer last night. Do you think we should all go to some sort of counseling? Oh Kordite, I'm so confused.

The solution to your problem is so simple and elegant that when I tell you, I am sure you will chuckle indulgently to yourself and say, "Why didn't I think of that?"

The first thing you will need is a spear. If you don't have a conventional spear, any long sharpened wood will do. Now, go to Jane's house. Ride your conveyance (a Harley-Davidson would be a fine choice) around the house at least six times, while letting forth as mighty a war cry as you can muster from your tiny little woman-lungs. When she emerges, leap from your vehicle and drive the spear through her chest. When doing this, make sure the point enters her chest in the center just below the sternum, so you can avoid the bone. Make an upward thrusting motion upon entry, which will penetrate her heart causing brain death within four to six minutes. Leaving her writhing body impaled on her front lawn as a warning to others might be a nice touch.

When dealing with John, use the same weapon, but try to make a quiet and stealthy approach. Wait until the 14th of the month to make your attack. After he is dead, tie some stones to his body and throw it in the river. His credit card bill should be arriving right about now, and he will have until the end of the month before it becomes due. Since you are a registered user and not a joint card holder, the credit card company has no legal right to bill you for charges made on his card. With his death undiscovered, his card will remain active until 10 days after the due date on the bill, which gives you almost an entire month to make cash advances on his account. Be sure to charge a one-way ticket to Cancun during this time, so everyone will just think he ran off like the stinking lily-livered pusillanimous two-timer that he was.

In July of 1996, this article was reprinted in a local Sci-Fi club newsletter. One (and only one) reader was so offended that she saw fit to write me a five page letter denouncing me and my article. Read her letter here and judge for yourself.

http://www.tasigh.org/kordite/advice01.html -- Revised: 15 May 2002 Copyright © 1994, 2002 Kevin A. Geiselman